Becoming
Singapore, an island country off the southern tip of Malay Peninsula, was where I was born. Being born in the world’s most urbanized country was my privilege. As I slowly grew up, I thought that I can relax as long as I want as living in an urbanized country will give me lots of opportunities to succeed. However, I was proved wrong by the incident I encountered when I was in Secondary 4.
Due to the fact that I believe the concept of “relax”, my PSLE results entitled me a school notorious for its gang members and bad influence. There, I joined the school’s most notorious gang: Beast. Den was the gang leader, with numerous tattoos on his body and swears at the slightest thing. When I first joined the gang, I was not familiar with their usual “proceedings” yet, such as playing truancy and smoking. I was taught to smoke and went for tattoo. On the occasion when I played truant, I would forge my parents’ signature for my parent’s letter.
Once, I argued with my parents and left home. After seeking shelter at Den’s house, I thought back at my actions.
“Don’t worry, Mark. It’s just an argument, what’s the big fuss? Come on, have a smoke.” Den said while pushing me a cigarette. Frustrated, I took 2 cigarettes and smoke both together at the same time.
“Beep!” Den stared at the message and smiled. “Wanna try something cool?” Den winked at me and pulled me along before I could even reject.
We reached Singapore largest shopping mall, Vivo City. I put down my earphones and followed Den to an “Adidas” shop. There, I saw all of the other gang members. They wore baggy shorts with big pockets and sunglasses. I wondered, why a sudden change in their usual dressing of singlet and pants? I followed the other gang members into the shop, hogging on to the burning question. The shop sells a variety of Adidas products that ranges from watches to shirts to glasses to shoes and many more.
“If only I could own some of the products here, I would definitely look good when I used these in public,” I muttered to myself while giving out jealousy looks at the products with three stripes. This point of time, Den approached me while glancing secretively around and whispered, “Steal it.”
My heart stopped a beat upon hearing. Did I hear wrongly? I had done all sorts of bad deeds, like playing truant, underage smoking, having tattoos and even leaving home after being rude to my mother, but this was the first time I was told to steal.
“Steal any products, now,” Den repeated himself before moving off with other gang members to the entrance of the shop. I was stunned and at a loss for words. Even though I had second thoughts about the idea, I did not even know how to steal something without getting get caught! This was my first time and lacking of experience could land me in jail. I ponder and stood rooted to the ground for what seems eternity to me before looking to Den. Den gave me the two-finger grab eyes motion and it seems that this time I’m not told to steal but instead, being demanded to steal. I turned my head back uneasily.
“I have to make it fast,” I muttered, but the sound of my heart palpitating overtook my muttering. Glancing around secretively, I made sure that the “coast is clear”. Aiming for a $250 Adidas watch, I took it up and pretended to be interested in it. Slowly, I lowered my hand and gave a last furtive look around me. Taking in a deep breath, I stuffed the watch in my pocket with my clammy and trembling hands, at the same time trying to look as natural as possible. I turned around and slowly took out my hand from the pocket, heaving a sigh of relief. I wondered to myself, what’s the next step?
At this point of time, Den tilted his head towards the entrance and hinted me to come out now. Now this is the difficult part. To steal is easy, but to get out of it is the challenging one. I hesitated my steps, taking one step at a time while muttered a silent prayer. As I inched towards the entrance, one of the staff members caught me suspicious-looking.
“Excuse me sir, could you please stop?” I give a deaf ear to what the staff member said, fastening my pace, but the faster I walked, the faster my doom time came. As I cross the alarm, unfortunately it went off and the alarm pierced through everyone’s ears. Everyone behaved like a robot and turned their head immediately towards my direction. I was appalled.
Thousand of wild thoughts ran through my mind, should I run? Or should I explain that it was a mistake of me? I was only given a second or two to ponder about my next course of actions. However, I was too late and two arms that came grabbing on me woke me up to my senses. “You are caught red-handed, hand over your item now,” two burly staff members said in an authoritative voice. I drooped my head and followed accordingly, knowing that this time I had got myself into real trouble. Den and his gang had of course fled off upon the alarm.
After repenting myself in boy’s home, I realized that I had grown. I had become more sensible and able to differentiate right from wrong. Hating myself for being so repulse and insensible when I joined the gang, I wept a silent tear. People knew their mistakes after a lesson or two, but for me, it left a mark on my life forever. Would Singaporeans pity me? Would the society accept me? With each thought, I became more regretful and desire more and more for a chance to turn over a new leaf…
First, I would like to give a few good comments on your Composition. Your composition went very smooth down the road and it is very logical. Many parts of the story have very good descriptive phrases that enhances your entire Composition. Dialogues have also been used appropriately. However, I have a question in mind: How is your composition related to your theme Becoming? What has repenting got to do with Becoming a Singaporean?
ReplyDeleteMaybe you would like to look into it, maybe you have your own explanation, but it must be "known" to the readers if not, it is very difficult for us to link your Composition. Maybe you could write more about the part on turning over a new leaf, how does that make you a Singaporean? What values must a Singaporean possess? It may exceed your word limit by a little, by that will be fine as you provided a link which wrapped out your entire story.
Overall, this is a very well-written composition, except for the link. It would be close to flawless with a perfect link on your last draft.
Thank you Yu Hao for your constructive comment. Actually, I did not intend to display the Singaporean's personality, as the story is fine with just a Singaporean protagonist and the setting as Singapore.
ReplyDeleteIt actually link as the protagonist changed and turn over a new leaf. He change from a gangster and mend his ways.
Anyway, thanks for your constructive comment. I might consider adding more details in my next draft.
After reading your response to Yu Hao’s comment, I still do not agree with what you have said. The theme of becoming was how Singapore has came to be what it is today, if not the becoming of Singaporeans, since when have we recognized ourselves as part of the country and not individual racial groups.
ReplyDeleteNow, put that aside, I feel that your composition was quite good. It was rather smooth for the whole composition, and right at the start of your composition, you have given a good account of your situation of life. The events that have unfolded were according to your introduction, and nothing was out of point aside from the theme. The gang influence in Singapore was the focus of the news for some time, and though this compo does not show fighting in gangs, it does show the negative influence of gangs.
Sheng Xiang, I like that you've tackled a subject that I don't often see in student stories, that of the life of a young gangster. Your portrayal of the dynamic between the narrator and Den feels very natural and believable, a gang leader dominating a young member into performing acts he knows are ethically wrong.
ReplyDeleteHowever, your plot here is a bit simplistic. Boy joins a gang, gang leader tells boy to steal, boy steals, boy gets caught. There are really no conflicting emotions or ethical quandaries: the narrator does everything Den tells him to, until it lands him in a boys' home. He might as well be an automaton for all the agency he shows. You say that the "Becoming" of the story is at the very end, but it feels tacked on and not a natural progression from the rest of the story.
What might be a more interesting story is seeing the narrator in the boys' home after he's gotten caught, and having to cope with a very strict environment. We could see him struggling and rebelling against people who are trying to make him a better person, and then coming to his own realization that he needs to change.
However you rewrite this, your protagonist must actually do more in your final draft.